The Left Hand Path

Well, wasn’t the 2nd One Day International Disasterthon at Edgbaston a complete waste of everybody’s time and money? No wonder cricket has such a fabulous reputation for cock-ups and organisational dysfunction.
Meeting a friend at the ground at the appointed starting time, there was clearly to be no play for a while, due the incessant rain. Whilst the tempest raged outside and sea creatures were spotted cavorting on the out-ground, my buddy and I began, what any self-respecting Englishman would under such circumstances, an epic day of drinking. By lunchtime, with no play imminent, we had progressed to a nearby pub for some lunch. By 2pm the word had got round that play was due to start at 3pm, which brings me to my first complaint, with the weather passable at 2pm, why in the name of Jesus did we have to wait ‘till 3pm to start? Don’t give me all that ‘preparing the pitch’ nonsense, what task is it, exactly, that takes an hour? Then, after the game was reduced to 29 overs a side and then, due to further rain, 24 overs a side, they take a 30-minute break between innings. I’m sure the umpires were following the ICC regulations (which have, 24 hours later, been amended – there’s a fucking surprise) to the letter, but can’t they show just a little initiative? After considerably more beer and not nearly enough cricket, at 7.45pm with 19 overs of the Kiwi innings gone, and the 20 overs needed to constitute a match the umpires called the whole thing off because of the returning rain, and couldn’t return to the field because they had technically used the extra hour allowed for rain, despite the fact they could have been back on the field about 30-minutes later, because the weather had cleared up again. If I were a Kiwi I would be absolutely apoplectic, with just 6 more balls bowled a result would have been achieved and the 20,000 paying spectators, might have felt slightly less aggrieved.
In twenty over cricket in this country, at least, the ground has to be on fire before the umpires take the players off. Why? Because they don’t want thousands of spectators to be short-changed and, they want them to keep coming back to games. Good lord! What a novel idea, putting the punters first. Sport is supposed to be entertainment, but I, and thousands of others on Wednesday couldn’t have been less entertained if we’d caught pneumonia.
I do accept that with cricket, as there is with tennis, a certain element of being at the mercy of the elements, it is part of the game, but what happened on Wednesday was incompetence on an industrial scale, but what do you expect when cricket is run by a bunch of lawyers and accountants, whose don’t-give-a-shit-so-long-as-the-rules-are-being-followed attitude is utterly to the detriment of the game. They’re always going on about the spirit of cricket, but they wouldn’t recognise it if was one of their own children.
A special mention should also go to Paul Collingwood. The game would probably have had a result, had England not bowled their overs so slowly. Apparently, Paul had no idea that they were only getting through an over about once every three days. Really? You were only the captain of the bowling side you muppet. Again, why don’t the umpires step in and start adding penalty runs to the opposition’s total? Then we might see sides get through their overs slightly faster than Thora Hird’s corpse would.

In the first ODI, which England won, some controversy was sparked. God (or Kevin Pietersen as he is better known) quite unbelievably, hit poor old Scott Styris for 2 left handed sixes over cover (or is that mid-wicket?). The MCC, who are still the guardians of the laws of cricket, had a meeting in which they discussed the legality of the shot. Fortunately, sanity has prevailed and the MCC are perfectly happy with KP’s innovation. Could you image if the ICC were in charge of the laws? ‘A left-handed shot by a right-handed batsman may only be played if the batsman has submitted, in writing, at least 10 working days in advance, an Unusual Shot Application Form, if the application to play the shot has been approved, the batsman must present the form to the on-field umpire before the ball for which he has applied to play the shot. A separate application must be made for each left-handed shot played. Any failure to do so will result in a 3-match suspension and fine.’

Away from the sturm und drang of cricket mis-administration, the Twenty20 Cup is in full flow, and I’m loving every minute of it. A trip down to Worcestershire to watch the Bears maul the Pears was immensely pleasurable. And this very evening, as I write, the return match at Edgbaston takes place, which will be marvellous, so long as it doesn’t rain... The Bears are 2nd in the Midlands/Wales division, Northants having won one more game, but both teams are on 8 points, although the Bears run rate is better. The good news is that they are unbeaten, 3 wins, 1 tie (how often does that happen?! – sadly as it was a group game, there wasn’t a bowl-out to decide the result) and one no result. Here’s hoping/praying/offering up blood sacrifices that the Bears can continue their good form and storm into the quarters at the end of next week.

"That Glenn McGrath ... what a bastard.” Mick Jagger